Responding to Cranky Older Child with the Newborn

Finally, new sister C is born.  Our little J thinks, 'Mommy used to hold me, but now she says she is sick and doesn't hold me but only my sister C'.  The first rival for the older child is his first sibling.  He used to be treated as a prince, but now he needs to step down to one younger one who doesn't know anything but crying.

Mother seems to have bought so many new things like bottle, blanket and clothes that wasn't given to him.  With so many friends of parents come and gives much attention and affection to the newborn.

Show and Tell Them How You Still Love Them
When everything is new and the older child has seen how the mother is so close to the newborn, it is crucial not to leave psychological scar to the older child.  Show and tell the older child that parents still love him.  If parents send the older child to a relative's house, then the 2-3 week period of time can leave a damaging remark.

In the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, it has list of scenario that the older child might be experiencing.

Imagine that your spouse puts an arm around you and  says, “Honey, I love you so much, and you’re so wonderful that I’ve decided to have another wife just like you.

When the new wife finally arrives, you see that she’s very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. “Isn’t she adorable? Hello, sweetheart … You are precious!” Then they turn to you and ask, “How do you like the new wife?”

The new wife needs clothing. Your husband goes into your closet, takes some of your sweaters and pants and gives them to her. When you protest, he points out that since you’ve put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you and they’ll fit her perfectly.

Thinking through, it would be very upsetting.  For toddlers who cannot control their feelings such as joy, anger or anxiety, everything might show.  Some may regress to old behaviors.  If he has been potty-trained, he might make mistakes sometimes.  J used to spit all the food that are hard, and he did go back taking food out of his mouth.  They might pretend to be a baby again or just try hard to get more attention.  J knew that mommy wanted to change diapers, put on clothes, take bath, so if it was bad, he would cry, not letting mommy do anything for him.  He would say, 'No' to merely anything.

Here are some tips that would help ease this tension:

First express affection to the older child

When giving older child's clothes or toys, first ask the older child for permission

For older child who is jealous, show pictures of him when he was old

When others give too much attention only to the newborn, tell them to also show similar attention and love to the older child

When the new baby comes home, give gift to the older child and tell him that the gift is from the new baby

Prepare a set of new toys for the older child
 
Do not enforce being an older child

Treat the older child better

Spend a 'special time' with the older child